Wednesday, May 4, 2011

So damn unpretty...

I went summer clothes shopping yesterday.  For the first time since B.C. (before child).  I wish I could be witty and funny enough to dismiss it, much like I did with the Skinny Pants Fiasco from earlier this year.

But, honestly?  I'm crestfallen over it.

"9 months on, 9 months off" was the weight-loss mantra repeated to me from so many breast feeding mamas.  Moms who assured me that the weight would "melt off" if I decided to continue breast feeding.  And though, I promise this is not really the reason I did it, it sure became a nice thought to keep in mind at 1:00 am...and 2:00 am...and 3:00 am...

Well, let me tell you.  It's been 9 months.  Actually 41 weeks and 5 days, to be exact, and to say I've plateaued would be an understatement.  I literally have not gained or lost a single pound since my first few weeks postpartum.

It could be that breast feeding leaves me more hungry than I've ever been in my entire life.  I cannot remember the last time I felt "full."  It's even worse than when I was pregnant, only now - people won't encourage you with the whole "eating for two" excuse.  Instead, I just look like the fat chick scarfing down all of the fries and asking for seconds at dinner.

I try to make good choices. I really do.  I know how to eat healthy.  I lost nearly 35 pounds for my wedding with nothing more than a bit of discipline and a little cardio.  But, when I try to make those healthy choices AND feed my child, I end up feeling woozy.  Like I'm starving.  I never felt that way with a bit of discipline and a little cardio.

I only have a few months left of this bottomless pit feeling, but unfortunately, right SMACK dab in the middle of those few months comes a trip to a warmer climate.  While my go-to outfits of late have included baggy cardigans and flattering pants (and basically covering up any and all exposed skin), I have a feeling this won't work with a beach wedding.  So, I went to a few of my favorite (read: cheap) clothing stores to get some summery things and attempt the impossible in finding a flattering bathing suit.  Or, failing that, a large waterproof tarp that I could just kind drape over myself.


For the first time in my life, I ventured into the land of the tankini so that at least the unsightly proof of my baby weight gain (yes, stretch marks) is fully covered.  A whole lot of good that does.  Now, the stretch marks aren't visible, but in case you missed my every expanding mid-section - I have highlighted it for you in brightly colored, patterned SPANDEX.  Fun...

I try not to get too down on myself when it comes to weight.  It just is what it is.  All women people have things they wish they could change about themselves and this is my thing.

Well...it's one of my things.

But, for some reason, I'm really struggling with this.

I wish I was this brave.
photo credit: Cassie Fox


Can I be happy I have my baby AND hate to have my stretch marks?
Can I be confident in my decision to breast feed AND be excited to reclaim my body as mine?
Can I wear a tankini AND like it?

I don't know.

My 10-year high school reunion should be sometime next year.  I have a goal for myself to just be a bit happier with how I look by then.  That way, I won't have to shove cute pictures of the baby at old friends just so they won't immediately think, "Whoa. She really let herself go."  Actually, it'd be awesome if they said something like, "Wow.  Did you use a surrogate?"  I'll let you know how that goes.

For now, I'm researching cute swimsuit cover ups. 
I think this beach wedding calls for the "layered look."
And Spanx.

11 comments:

  1. Amanda you are beautiful just the way you are. You'll lose the weight when your body is ready to. (Cue unsolicited advice from a non-mother): But for now I'd say you take care of yourself and your food needs, you've got to feed that adorable little baby and he is more important than worrying about someone's beach wedding :)

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  2. Thank you. You're right, I need to focus on what's really important.

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  3. I hear ya girl...the weight loss is so hard. I got to my pre-baby weight in February and got pregnant with Carson in March. I had a hard time losing the weight with both boys. So frustrating. And, I too, have succumbed to the one piece (I've moved past the tankini...ugh). Good luck!

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  4. Aw, Amanda - don't be too hard on yourself. I know how we women love to beat ourselves up about our bodies. You might loathe your body right now, but it did something amazing & beautiful - it grew & nurtured a child! So it may take you some time to get back to how you were - that's ok. I'm sure 95% of mothers have been there. And don't worry - i haven't given birth and i rock the tankini!

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  5. Ok i'm not sure if this is like this for anyone else, but at the bottom of the comments is a damn Jenny Craig ad! Freaking product placement!

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  6. @Dawn and WannabeRunner - you're both such an inspiration to me with your marathoning and Warrior Dashing and training and everything. I actually REALLY love to run, but never make the time to do it. Perhaps it is something I should get myself back into. Thanks so much for the support. And Mel, you need to drop the tankini, you know you're hot, giiiiirrrrl.

    @Angela - I am pretty sure the ads on this site are totally generated from key words in my post. I need to write something super inappropriate or random and see what comes up!

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  7. Big, skinny, tall, short, small boobs, big bazookas, everyone's got something they wish to change. =) So easily said, eh? Sigh.

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  8. I've been through it three times. The first time it did melt off, but you're right, the plateau does comes. Second time the plateau came earlier amid the stress of a baby with special needs who got RSV and almost died when she was 6 weeks old. Third time, I never did get the last four pounds off. Now I'm looking ahead to last baby, and thinking things like: "Eighteen months from now, I can diet for real. Two years. Just two more years." It sounds depressing but on the back side of three kids two years doesn't seem NEARLY as far away as it did after the first!

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  9. Okay, sorry to be a late-comer but I just found your blog on the innerwebs, and of course I had to read this post when I saw the topic because I'm freakishly obsessed with my own post-baby weight. You published this post a few days after my 3rd baby was born - 6 months already?!?!? - and I still have to wear maternity jeans if I want to sport something other than yoga pants! Blech. Yes, childbirth is beautiful and miraculous, and breastfeeding is the greatest gift for both mother and child, blah blah blah. But sometimes I just want to FIT INTO MY OLD JEANS AGAIN already. Sheesh. Anyway, I hope you're more content with yourself these days. Even after 3 babies, it's still nice to get the reassurance that I'm not alone, so thanks for blogging! :)

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  10. Yes three babies here, last one nine months ago and one pair of jeans that fits. Sigh...
    I keep telling myself that it's a badge of honor, most days that works. I never looked great in a two piece anyway.

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