Thursday, June 2, 2011

They say that breaking up is hard to do...

Folks?  I have an announcement to make.  The Incredible Hulk and I are breaking up.
Well.  We're about to break up. In about a month in a half.
But let me tell ya, in a month and a half it WILL HAPPEN because I. AM. DONE.

I have been doing this breast feeding thing for the past ten and a half months and with only 46 days left until The Incredible Hulk's first birthday, I am sooooooo over it.

I made a deal with myself to last for the first twelve months and as that date steadily approaches, I feel like I am experiencing something akin to the "senioritis" I felt during the last few weeks of college.  I know that on July 17, I can't just be like "PEACE OUT, SUCKAS!" and expect him to be weaned just like that.  But I really am planning to leave that damn breast pump at home on July 18.  Uncomfortable as it may be, I think I have earned it.

So, in order to cope and keep my eye on the prize for these last few weeks of feeling like a common dairy cow, I give you this.

The Top Ten Things I Will NOT Miss About Breastfeeding

10.  The Equipment - Though I recently tweeted about how great Medela and their products have been, I am still SO ready to chuck everything in storage and just be done with all of the breast feeding accouterments.  Milk storage bags, breast pads, bottles, pump parts, lanolin cream...I want it out of my freaking house.

9.  The Questions - I guess by now I should realize that not everyone knows that it is recommended, common, and perfectly normal to breast feed your baby for 12 months.  And I also realize that not everyone decides to breast feed or decides to continue for as long as I have.  I'm okay with that.  That said, it comes as a total shock to me when people ask if I am "still nursing" and look horrified when I tell them yes. Seriously?  It's not like TIH is in kindergarten.  I'm not that mother.  And honestly?  It's really not any of your business what I'm feeding my kid, but it's definitely not your business if you're gonna get all judgey-wudgey on me.

8.  Leakage - Though I really haven't ever had an embarrassing incident in public, I live in constant fear of leakage.  If they made torso sized breast pads, I would wear one.  Just to be safe.

7.  Awkward Social Gatherings - I feel like I cannot go anywhere for any extended period of time without planning ahead about where and when I will feed TIH should the occasion arise.  Sometimes we use bottles.  Sometimes we just excuse ourselves early.  Other times I have to have a horribly awkward conversation with the hosts about the location of the lactation room in their home.  And you all know I won't be doing that in public.

6.  Time Consumption - Yes, the benefits of breast feeding are obvious.  The bonding is fabulous.  It's the perfect food.  And blah blah blah blah blah blah takes a lot of FREAKING TIME.  I'm looking forward to not planning any part of my day around the fact that I might have to sit on a couch for 20 minutes waiting for TIH to finish eating.

5.  Nursing Bras - Honestly, for something you have to wear 24/7, does it HAVE to be so flippin' unattractive?  I have found exactly ONE attractive nursing bra that actually holds something that resembles a shape.  The rest make me look like I fled some African village.  Also, I cannot wait to have the ability to "free ball it" in bed again.  Sorry.  Overshare.  But it's true.

4.  Teeth - Yeah.  I won't elaborate on this one.

3.  Sobriety - The day that I am finally through with this stuff, I am celebrating by drinking an entire bottle of champagne.  BY MYSELF.  With a side of Chardonnay.  Followed by vodka. Followed by an epic hangover.  But, it will be worth it. Mark. My. Words.

It might look something like this.
2.  Decaf - I am also celebrating with a Venti FULL CAF Cinnamon Dolce Latte and eight Diet Cokes. Plus one of those 5 Hour Energy things.  Just because.

1.  Pumping - Call me redundant.  I know I've written about this before, but I really do not like pumping and cannot wait to to stop hooking myself up to that stupid thing.  I repeat - on July 18, it is NOT coming to work with me.

The flip side?  For every reason I came up with above, I can come up with ten reasons why I'm so happy I made the decision to breast feed and stuck with it.  I am honestly really proud of myself about it because I have never wanted to give something up so badly in my life while also being secretly terrified of failing.  (Not that if you give up breast feeding after trying it out that you're "failing."  You will never hear me say anything like that.  I swear.)

I'm sure you all remember how amazing as it feels to look at ultrasound pics, see a tiny little bean grow into a full human baby, and think - wow, I made that thing grow all by myself!  The same thing goes for breast feeding, only you get to see those results on the outside in the way of chubby cheeks and roly poly thighs.

So, I'm sure there may be a few bittersweet moments as this chapter of motherhood ends and another one begins, but mostly?



  1. I want to know what your post on this will be like, after the last time.

  2. @The Empress - I read someone else's blog post about their last time and I blubbered like an idiot. I am sure when that last time actually comes, I will be a total mess. But, satisfied, nonetheless.

  3. Anna's pediatrician gave us the ok to start her on whole milk at 11 months. So, ask your doc and maybe you can start the weaning early! However, it still took until she was 13 months to wean her completely. I remember how excited I was to get my body back! The end is in sight :)

  4. I, for one, am just completely impressed that you did it for a whole completely impressed at your sacrifice and stick-with-itness (okay, so that's not a real word I don't think :)). TIH is very lucky to have you as his momma.

    Yeah and as long as TIH can't talk in complete sentences or you just got back from his kindergarten registration then you are fine still breast feeding :). (I read a post once where someone was still doing it with a 4 year old - must admit - creeped me out a bit)

    BTW - you must take a picture of your post-breastfeeding, pre-hangover moments of having a good time :).

    And, yes, criminal defense my entire career. I represent juveniles on appeal and while they are in state placement (aka kid jails). I am a public defender to be exact :). Was a teacher before that. I've always thought forensic psychology was extremely fascinating - what a fun field for you!

  5. @ Dawn - Thanks for the encouragement, mama! And yeah, even my favorite breast feeding book talks about doing it into the toddler years and beyond and I'm just like...SHUDDER. Honestly, anything over 18 months makes me lift an eyebrow. Not my thing. For sure. I've always said "When they're old enough to ask for it, they're too old."

    There will DEFINITELY have to be a future post for the Mommy's Going Out of Buisness party complete with pictures. And Advil.

  6. I could have written this post! My daughter turned 1 on June 10th and on June 11 the pump stayed home. I only work 5-6 hr shifts so it wasn't awful. While she still isn't fully weaned the relief of having one less thing to haul every morning and drinking a real Coke while at work is glorious!

  7. @Jami L - Full disclosure, my breast pump stayed home for the first time today. I am jumping for joy. This officially the best. day. ever.

    (I'll let you know how I feel at around 6:00 pm tonight. My tune might have changed.)


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