Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Putting it together, that's what counts...

Dear Small Tots,*

I’d like to tell you how I spent almost two hours of my hard-earned weekend, but first I have a question for you:

Do you know the meaning of the word “some?”  It seems to me that the answer is no.  Because otherwise, you would never have dared use the phrase "Some assembly required." on the outside of your delightful box.  That was not some assembly, you a-holes.  Perhaps it would be considered some assembly to a mechanic.  Or an engineer.  Or NASA. 

For someone like me?  It was your-cup-of-coffee-will-be-ice-cold-before-you’re-done assembly.  It was cancel-the-rest-of-your-plans-for-the-day assembly.  It was question-the-validity-of-your-college-degree assembly.  It was not-enough-steroids-in-the-world-for-that-kind-of-strength assembly.  It was call-in-reinforcements assembly.  It was tell-reinforcements-to-go-back-into-the-basement-before-you-hit-them-repeatedly-in-the-head-with-a-toy-steering-wheel assembly.  But, I would certainly not describe it as “some” assembly required.

In fact, if I were you, I would remove that word from the outside of your boxes where it seems to exist solely to mock the idiots like me who CLEARLY think that it should (at the very least) say “A LOT” of assembly required.  (Though, I can tell you the boxes at the Walmart by my house have been destroyed fixed already.)

I don’t know if you realize this – but your toys are marketed for small children.  Small children who lack the fine motor skills and executive functioning required to put such a toy together.  Small children who will need their parents to do the some assembly required to play with these toys.  Parents who have small children.

Can I ask you a serious question?   Have you ever met a small child?  They’re not exactly spilling over with patience.  The minute my toddler saw the brightly colored blobs of plastic I was supposed to form together and make a car, it was all over.  I removed my child from the makings of the toy approximately 765 times during the “some assembly required” process.  And that was in the first 10 minutes.  All of which was spent opening up packages of tiny screws and nuts and bolts and brackets and areyoufreakingkiddingmewhatthehellisthis?  I  do not have the strength nor the time to wrangle a kid, make sure he doesn’t swallow any of your tiny little parts, put together a car using freaking power tools, and make sure that one or both of us does not get hurt.

I believe if you continue to sell your product with as many small parts and steps in your helpful instruction manual, you also need to include in every package a certificate for a free nanny service.  You may also want to figure out how to have an emergency medical service on stand-by in case mommy drills a screw through her hand.  And a bottle of wine.  Because it was Sunday morning and I was NOT above getting drunk after that experience.

Stop smiling at me, you bastard.

You'll be happy to know, the car is now fully assembled and it has brought hours of delight to my little boy.

Now if you could only send me the directions to re-assemble my sanity.

The New Mom on the Blog

*Name of toy manufacturer changed to protect the “innocent.”


  1. Have you ever bought anything from IKEA? You might as well scrap your plans for the week to assemble it. Also, Breathe by Eddie is one of my favorites.


  2. I have not bought anything from IKEA ever. I will consider myself warned. "Just Breathe" DESTROYS me. So beautiful.

  3. Ha...I was going to tell you at least you can drink wine now to calm you after the long assembly...and then you had it in there :).

    Carson has the same car and LOVES it...and yes, it was a pain (for my husband...no me :)) to put together.

  4. Ikea is easier than that dumb Cozy Coupe. I've done tons of Ikea and just did the Cozy Coupe last week. Why. are. there. 6. steps. to. each. wheel?! And those little red things that you have to hit on with those cone things and a hammer? Baaaahhh!! My eye is going to start twitching!

  5. SH*T, my ex-in-laws are giving J that for his birthday. I'm going to have a coronary putting it together, aren't I?

  6. Bean has the same car. Fortunately she loves it but those eyes that you stick on upon completion of the "toy" car... They mock you forever. I hate him

  7. Glad I clicked on your blog. You're too funny! Hope to read more!

  8. @Dawn - I made the mistake of being all "I'm an independent woman. I can do it! Don't help me!" when he offered assistance. I should have just let him do it.

    @Type B - I am suuuuuper impressed that you put it together while pregnant. The stupid little red hammer knobby things? MAKE IT STOP. I felt like I should have learned how to do some welding.

    @Law Momma - Truth be told I was ECSTATIC when I found out my in-laws were getting this for him. I had no idea it was going to be so complicate and involved, but honestly, he loves it so much - it was worth it. At J's age it is going to be a BLAST and a half! I'll bet instead of a coronary, you're going to have more fodder for your Single Successes series. I was pretty proud once I got it together.

    @Valerie - YES. The last thing I needed after that experience were eyes looking at me reminding me of how dumb I am ;) I love how many people have this car!! Such an iconic toy.

    @beachmum - WELCOME! Thanks for the compliment and thank you for reading!!


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