Monday, September 24, 2012

Two is better than one...

I can feel the ache in my shoulders as I schluff out of bed hearing the becoming-more-familiar-by-the-day, "Nononono!"  Who knew that a magical milestone of turning two would be the beginning of having nightmares.  I always wonder what happens in those scary dreams of yours and I know, someday, sooner than we think, you'll be able to tell me.

I wonder if tonight will be one of those nights where I only have to rub your back and pile your blankets back on and you'll be back out.  Or, if I'll have to rock you endlessly while, even in the room lit dimly by a full moon, I can see your eyes shining back at me as if to say, "No way in hell I'm going back to sleep, mom.  Go ahead and plan your extra shot at Starbucks now.  It's gonna be a long day."

I wait to see if you're going to ask me, as you sometimes do in the middle of the night, where your dad is.  You do.

"Da?" (Hopeful.)
"He's still in Chicago, buddy."
"Da." (Falling off at the end, your statement a voiced disappointment.)
"I know."

You like us to be together.  You show me when you point to the open front seat in the van and say, "DA." to let me know where you want him to be.

You show me when I have to literally carry you around the house at night to prove to you I'm not hiding him anywhere. 

You show me when the three of us are standing too far apart, so you stretch your little hands and arms with all of your strength to pull us closer together.

You show me when you demand that I join you and your dad in the basement for some popsicles and The Golf Channel even though I have about a million things to accomplish in the short time when I have the luxury of dual parenting again.

I know you want us to be together, buddy.  Mommy is doing absolutely everything she can to make it happen.  And believe it or not - Daddy should probably be in Chicago more often than he is.  The thought of that makes me insanely upset and makes me forever in awe of military moms, single moms, and all of the other parents who consistently have to do it alone.  It really is better when the two of us are together.

And, we're going to be together again soon, buddy.  Thanks for being so patient with us.
Only a matter of days and this chapter of our life will finally, finally be over.

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