Thursday, October 24, 2013

The beauty of uncertainty...

On Friday, I bounded out to my husband's car to collect The Incredible Hulk out of his car seat and immediately rummaged through his backpack to see what precious little artwork he carried home with him.  The crafty wannabe in me lives for the moments when I get to see his adorably created art projects covered in tempera paint and macaroni.

Instead.  I found this:

(Upper left corner.  TIH drew himself a sister.)


Here's the thing.  This has been on my mind a lot lately.  I have this interesting and notable twinge when I see a little face peeking up from a pumpkin seat in the grocery store.  I spent an above average time sifting through little sleepers with adorable footies on them the other day.  Right now, babies smell to me like baby powder and happiness and that is ALWAYS a telling sign.

TIH has also (clearly) become obsessed with the idea of having a sister recently.  He talks about it a lot and has elaborate plans for how they will play together.  ("She will go down the slide at the playground. Sisters are so silly!")  He has thus far neglected to realize that his sister will probably take away a lot of his wealth of parental attention, will rob his family blind in childcare costs, and will also likely steal his toys when she is old enough.  His rose-colored-glasses outlook is adorable.  Really. And, all joking aside?  He's going to make an excellent big brother.  Someday.

As much as these superficial things are giving me that familiar itch lately, I just know in my very core that right now is not the right time.  Last year's move was earth shattering (a point I have clearly belabored here and must do so again).  But, it was earth shattering.  And, not just emotionally, but in every possible way - physically, financially, mentally...and all of these things combined with the fact that I maybe, sort of, had a really, really tough time right after TIH was born does not a good situation make.  (It also makes horrendous, poorly punctuated run-on sentences so I am in no place right now to be a mother of two.  Obviously.)

Listen, I know that I was put on this planet to be a mother to TIH.  And somewhere, deep inside, I know that (God willing), I am to be a mother to TIH and his sibling(s?)  Someday.  Not now.  But, someday.

I am really and truly enjoying TIH at this age.  I am loving that he has all of our attention right now (and any of you who have ever raised a 3 year old know that they don't give a crap how they get your attention - they're going to get it!)  Part of me is happy to be able to be undivided for him right now.

When we had TIH, it was a very carefully calculated decision.  We knew that it was a good time in our life to have a baby.  We felt ready (I say "felt" because we soon learned that no matter how ready you "feel," it's still going to rock your world when you do become parents).  And, truly, becoming parents was the best thing to ever happen to us.

I know we will have that feeling again.

I know it when I see a mother rubbing the swell of her belly knowing that she's feeling little kicks and nudges while doing so.  I know it when I kiss the sweet, soft skin of a newborn and breath in that gorgeous smell.  I know it when I look at TIH, at the little boy he has become, as a I watch all signs of the baby he once was melt away, and I see what a miracle and a blessing kids are.

So, maybe it's not right now.  Maybe it's still a few years off.  And who knows what the future has in store for us.  But, I'm sure excited to find out what it is like to be a bigger family.


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